Gentlemen, you have reached Dr. Weird's residence.
Now speak at the tone.
Hello, Dr. Wire... Wired... Weird.
Steve, send the phone spiders.
...works with Chauna Construction Company.
With spring here, we thought you might be interested in a new deck.
- Spiders. Get them off. - I guess we're not interested.
Carl?
- Carl. Open the door. - Damn it.
- I got a gift for you. - Go away.
I'm so tired of this. Friggin' go away, you freak.
- Did you lose something behind the couch? - I did. I lost peace and quiet!
What do you need? What do you want? Can I not just live here...
without having to occasionally deal with you animals?
- Well, yeah. It's your house. - That's right, it is.
And look what I just added to it.
Nice, a crapper.
That's no ordinary toilet. That toilet is environmentally friendly.
Know how much water is used up every time you flush the toilet?
- I give. What? - Three gallons.
- Wow, what a waste. The poor children. - This one uses highly compressed air...
creating a super vacuum which completely obliterates all waste upon impact.
Goody. So I should sort of let the neighbors know...
that I'm gonna be kind of, you know, exposing myself...
four to five times a day, depending on what I eat?
Maybe we could sell some tickets. "Come by and take pictures.
"This where I do my business from now on".
No, this is the best part.
Press this button and an infrared privacy curtain is activated...
rendering you virtually invisible.
Okay. So, sort of like that movie Predator...
only instead of hunting people, he's crapping.
Or the Hollow Man. You choose your science fiction fantasy.
You'll be living it every time you go to the bathroom.
Go ahead, try it out.
I don't need to go right now.
- That's cool. I mean, I'll wait. - No, you won't.
I get it. You want to be alone when you go to the...
By the way, we also made you a little care package for your new adventure.
Oh, boy, fiber tablets. Yum-yum.
Yeah. Dip them in the stool softener. I mean, it's delicious.
- There's espresso there, too, if you... - Leave!
Did he do number two yet?
Damn, he drank all the coffee and half those tablets...
and he still hasn't gone.
Shoot, that boy's gonna poop himself inside out.
He's gonna lift right off the ground.
It'll be like the Hulk, ripping out the back of his pants.
- Shut up, Meatwad. - Okay.
But it's gonna smell like a paper mill. You know that, don't you?
Why are we doing this? This seems sick.
The supertoilet needs to be tested on humans...
before I can actually apply for a patent.
He ain't gonna poop in the yard. He'll go inside to do that.
- Not if his door's locked. - By God, I got to go!
I just can't go, you know, when people watch me.
We don't need a toilet.
The pile of clothes in the hallway has worked fine for us for years...
and it will continue to work.
I don't know whose clothes that is. Somebody ain't wearing that again.
Where's the invisible thing? Screw it. I got to do this.
Shut up, he's about to sit down.
Let me see. I don't want to see that.
Nobody wants to see that. What are you trying to do, kill me?
I thought you was gonna make him invisible.
- I can't afford to do that. - That has been burned into my retinas.
Look. We'll be cool as long as the police don't drive by.
Put down the phone, Shake.
What? I was cleaning. The dial is very dirty.
Look at them bras. Yeah.
Man, I ain't trying to watch Carl take no criznap, baby.
He's just sitting there reading with his pants down.
Naked, I might add.
And for god's sake, burn those moles off, will you?
- Every time someone flushes... - Yes. I know. Three gallons!
Shut up. I said that first till you copied me.
- You did not. - I did, too.
See? I did it again. I'm pretty good.
- Shut up. You're ruining my moment. - Yeah. Your moment. His movement.
I got a book coming out.
Okay. That wasn't too bad.
Where's the friggin' flush on this thing?
God!
Gentlemen, we have the technology.
We can rebuild him.
And there you go, Carl.
You may feel a little stiffness tomorrow, but that'll be natural.
Just while we're on the subject, can I use your pool?
- Yes, Meatwad, you may. - Okay. Thank you.
So there's the head. I've been looking all over for that thing.
Don't act like it's yours. It's Carl's head, and he been using it...
to tell me I can go swimming and... Can I drink some beer?
- Help yourself. It's in the back. - And drink his beer.
You know what, Carl? I thank you...
and I will take you up on your generous offer and have some of your beer.
- Shake can't have any. - You tell him, Carl.
The head can't stay unattached from his body for long.
Look. He's attached.
It ain't going nowhere. It's bungeed to the tree.
Shut up, Shake, you know what I mean.
What's this thing here?
I'm keeping his head alive with electrical impulses...
and the computer's able to translate his brain output into text.
Really? Is that an "f"? He's dropping F-bombs over here.
Don't look over here. These are words you don't need to learn.
I'm gonna start dropping F-bombs. Listen. Fart you, farthead.
That's not how F-bombs are dropped, you idiot.
- Come on, Shake. - The fart it is, farter.
Fart all y'all. Y'all go fart yourself.
Chief, where do you want this?
You drove that thing through town?
It's cool. I stayed on the shoulder the whole way.
At least bring it through the back.
You heard him. Bring it through the farting back.
Damn it, Shake.
You said the back. What is this, the front now?
All the nerves are connected. I think we're ready.
- Carl, can you hear me? - What happened there?
What? We don't know. We're just glad you're all right.
I mean, you don't remember what happened, do you?
I remember some things.
I'm just not too clear on being...
so old and black.
Why am I black, and where did I get this suit?
- It's ridiculous. - This is not a time for you to be picky.
That's all you can get when you go to the west end.
Get it off! Rip it off! What am I doing? Oh, God!
- Oh, no. The body's rejecting the head! - You think? Get it off me!
Hang on.
So, did it work?
- Of course it worked. - No, it didn't.
Of course it worked not at all, which is what I was trying to say...
before I was so rudely interrupted.
Take this body back, and not through town.
Mail call. Frylock, letter for you.
Meatwad, get a life. The rest for me.
- Good, the Passaic organ bank. - Yeah. I dealt with these yackos directly.
"Dr. Frylock, while we appreciate your interest in body construction research...
"we cannot legally send you a 'butt load' of organs...
"regardless on whether we plan on using them".
I didn't say "butt load". I said "ass load". Bureaucrats.
To think I was polite with these people. That's the worst part.
- What's that big old box outside? - Yes, someone did respond.
It's soggy. Where the fart is it from?
- "wegotussomemedicalwaste. com". - You call this organic?
You look in the box. All they sent were eyeballs.
- I'm not going near that box. - Let's just see if it works.
Wait a minute. Before you turn him on, do you think he'll be able to see us?
In ways you can only imagine.
But, look, I mean, is he gonna be able to chase us?
Because if I woke up looking like that...
I would just run towards the nearest living thing and kill it.
Check me out. I'm Shaun Cassidy.
- Put those back, they're not for you. - That's a good one.
What the hell are you talking about?
When he was a Hardy boy, and, you know, they was private eyes.
Plus, he had, like, 10 eyes in his head.
- Okay. I'll give it to you. - Hello. Is anyone here?
Why do my knees feel like they want to tear up?
- Carl. It works. - What works?
All of them, look. Get it when I say look?
Just walk over here, Carl. Let's see if your legs work.
You got to study me, like a pupil.
Okay, hang on a sec.
- That hurts so bad. - Don't worry about that, Carl.
Your feet are made of eyeballs, but they'll toughen up over time.
- May I see a mirror, please? - All right. Here you go, Shaun Cassidy.
Gross.
What are you, an idiot? Never heard of Shaun Cassidy?
So that explains the breeze I've been feeling in my thighs.
We'll craft some synthetic lids...
then you'll be able to walk normally.
Why do that?
Why don't we just blow my brains out now and save yourself some time?
Look. Carl. This is gonna hurt, but try to take another step towards me.
Believe me. I will. I'm coming for you.
Give me a hug, Fryman.
- That's tight. - I'm gonna hug the breath right out of you.
Meatwad, unplug him.
Okay. Plan C.
I give you the ultimate in military hardware...
complete with laser cannon, indestructible titanium exoskeleton...
and motion-activated plasma-pulse rifles.
And you're gonna plug him in?
You're right. Damn. What the hell was I thinking?
- Fudge. - That's not an F-bomb.
Fudge you.
Turn it left. I keep hitting the same spot.
Look. You're gonna break my friggin' nose.
- I still haven't gotten the hang... - Just give me the damn thing.
The steering wheel makes it go left and right, this switch is power.
Which button turns me to the lawyer, and makes me sue you?
Easy, Carl, don't make me have to shut the power off.
Don't do that. Just sort of put it on my chin.
I'll friggin' steer it with my tongue.
That may not work. Let's just get Meatwad to drive you home.
Meatwad.
- Get him off me, please. - Yes?
I didn't mean it!
Everything I say to you, I mean about myself!
- Shut up. I'll make it worse. - Not in the house.
No, I need to live!
- Zone in target. - Target locked in.
Got him. Fudge you, butt hole.